Hey ya'll!
I promise I don't actually say "ya'll in real life...
Yeesh.
So this is a short story I wrote maybe a week ago for fun, and I thought I'd share it with you lovely invisible audience.
Interview with Madison Strick's Left Eyebrow Hair #138
Critiques and comments are welcome!
Be nice to your eyebrows,
- Emily
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
On Selfishness
My name is Emily and I am selfish.
Woah! No way- bro that shit cray!
Because seriously, not many people can admit to this. I used to be like that too. If someone called me selfish, I would mentally flip out. My compassion and giving for other people was what I rationalized my self hate around- not ok. I've grown quite a bit since, and now I accept and even embrace my self serving behavior.
For example, the other day I was walking out of a grocery store and I saw a woman with a stroller in one hand and two boxes propped against her shoulder struggling to carry them against the wind. One of the boxes blew off of her arm, and as she was trying to simultaneously move out of the car's way, pick up the box, and keep a hold of the stroller, I jogged over to help. She was very gracious and smiled and thanked me as I walked the box over to her car. I left the parking lot with a warm feeling inside. I had just helped someone out- right?
Well, yes. Yes I did. But I only helped her because she helped me. She gave me something very valuable in exchange for carrying a box to a car- positive social reinforcement. Eons of evolution has trained me to inherently feel good when I feel accepted. Her smiling made my brain happy, sincere appreciation made my brain happy, being in a position of power in which she didn't have much of a choice except to accept me made my brain happy- I was a happy girl. Now lets say she didn't thank me, maybe I ran over to help and she shoved a box in my arms and told me to go put it in her car. I would have left the parking lot feeling downtrodden, put off, and irrationally angry at this woman for cheating me out of the happy feeling I deserved from helping her.
Would I have helped her if I knew that she was going to be mean about it? I don't know. Probably. Because I have a flip side to helping people who don't give me anything back- self pity. As much as it feels good to get positive reinforcement, it also feels good to stew in stew in negative reinforcement. I'm not sure if "good" is the exact wording, but talking bad about someone behind their back feels...good. It feels good to be able to rant about my boss, or my roommate, or a rude stranger in a parking lot. Even if I don't tell anyone, imagining that I'm telling other people still gives me that high, even if the sympathy and positive social regard is imaginary.
I do my best to stray away from this, but sometimes the people who I help can't or won't repay me. Like my roommate on Sunday. I was getting out of the shower with a towel wrapped around, heading to my room; when she dramatically sighed, getting my attention. Now it was kinda late- like 11pm, but I dutifully walked over and talked to her about another possible pregnancy scare because her stomach was hurting and she felt funny. This girl wanted attention for her suffering, just like I'm doing now by posting this about her. She is not rational or emotionally healthy, and we are not friends. For the amount of unconditional positive regard therapy I offer her, she barely gives anything back. Our personalities don't connect from my level. And I may have helped her, but I had negative feelings towards her the entire time. I wasn't finding joy in simply doing good- I found self pity at the fact that I had homework to do, still wasn't clothed, and was tired of her shit. Ergo why I'm aspiring to be an artist, not a therapist.
And this is flawed. Now I feel grateful that I gave her my attention and support, even if I was faking it. She may not be pregnant or suffering from a serious side effect from her medication, but she found out she has a UTI. And I've never had one, but I know they HURT. She's been in a lot of pain, and I never made the complete judgement that it was for attention, but I was getting there. And even if it was for attention, that doesn't make it any less real to her. She still needed help, whether it was mental or physical, and that's my bad.
You see, I'd be a lot less judgy towards a friend, towards someone who has given me enough positive feelings that I want to be around them, not just tolerate their presence. But alas, I'm selfish, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I don't know the right way to think about someone who doesn't help me back. Express your feelings and get over it? Is that a thing? Even being the patient person I am, I still jumped to relishing in her faults before there was a reason to- as if there's ever a truly good reason to do so, but I digress.
Anyway, pretty impressive for my first actual blog- amiright? :) Opinions, personal stories, and thoughts are welcome- I don't even know if anyone reads this, but thanks for reading to the end if you are!
Less anger stew and more joy,
-Emily
Woah! No way- bro that shit cray!
Because seriously, not many people can admit to this. I used to be like that too. If someone called me selfish, I would mentally flip out. My compassion and giving for other people was what I rationalized my self hate around- not ok. I've grown quite a bit since, and now I accept and even embrace my self serving behavior.
For example, the other day I was walking out of a grocery store and I saw a woman with a stroller in one hand and two boxes propped against her shoulder struggling to carry them against the wind. One of the boxes blew off of her arm, and as she was trying to simultaneously move out of the car's way, pick up the box, and keep a hold of the stroller, I jogged over to help. She was very gracious and smiled and thanked me as I walked the box over to her car. I left the parking lot with a warm feeling inside. I had just helped someone out- right?
Well, yes. Yes I did. But I only helped her because she helped me. She gave me something very valuable in exchange for carrying a box to a car- positive social reinforcement. Eons of evolution has trained me to inherently feel good when I feel accepted. Her smiling made my brain happy, sincere appreciation made my brain happy, being in a position of power in which she didn't have much of a choice except to accept me made my brain happy- I was a happy girl. Now lets say she didn't thank me, maybe I ran over to help and she shoved a box in my arms and told me to go put it in her car. I would have left the parking lot feeling downtrodden, put off, and irrationally angry at this woman for cheating me out of the happy feeling I deserved from helping her.
Would I have helped her if I knew that she was going to be mean about it? I don't know. Probably. Because I have a flip side to helping people who don't give me anything back- self pity. As much as it feels good to get positive reinforcement, it also feels good to stew in stew in negative reinforcement. I'm not sure if "good" is the exact wording, but talking bad about someone behind their back feels...good. It feels good to be able to rant about my boss, or my roommate, or a rude stranger in a parking lot. Even if I don't tell anyone, imagining that I'm telling other people still gives me that high, even if the sympathy and positive social regard is imaginary.
I do my best to stray away from this, but sometimes the people who I help can't or won't repay me. Like my roommate on Sunday. I was getting out of the shower with a towel wrapped around, heading to my room; when she dramatically sighed, getting my attention. Now it was kinda late- like 11pm, but I dutifully walked over and talked to her about another possible pregnancy scare because her stomach was hurting and she felt funny. This girl wanted attention for her suffering, just like I'm doing now by posting this about her. She is not rational or emotionally healthy, and we are not friends. For the amount of unconditional positive regard therapy I offer her, she barely gives anything back. Our personalities don't connect from my level. And I may have helped her, but I had negative feelings towards her the entire time. I wasn't finding joy in simply doing good- I found self pity at the fact that I had homework to do, still wasn't clothed, and was tired of her shit. Ergo why I'm aspiring to be an artist, not a therapist.
And this is flawed. Now I feel grateful that I gave her my attention and support, even if I was faking it. She may not be pregnant or suffering from a serious side effect from her medication, but she found out she has a UTI. And I've never had one, but I know they HURT. She's been in a lot of pain, and I never made the complete judgement that it was for attention, but I was getting there. And even if it was for attention, that doesn't make it any less real to her. She still needed help, whether it was mental or physical, and that's my bad.
You see, I'd be a lot less judgy towards a friend, towards someone who has given me enough positive feelings that I want to be around them, not just tolerate their presence. But alas, I'm selfish, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I don't know the right way to think about someone who doesn't help me back. Express your feelings and get over it? Is that a thing? Even being the patient person I am, I still jumped to relishing in her faults before there was a reason to- as if there's ever a truly good reason to do so, but I digress.
Anyway, pretty impressive for my first actual blog- amiright? :) Opinions, personal stories, and thoughts are welcome- I don't even know if anyone reads this, but thanks for reading to the end if you are!
Less anger stew and more joy,
-Emily
Monday, November 18, 2013
About
Ayo!
Welcome to my blog :)
My name is Emily and I'm 18 years old attending an art school in Grand Rapids, MI. I work as a camp counselor over the summer, which is close to the best job ever. I don't know much about blogging, so expect a lot of scattered mess. I mostly just want to keep up a constant website with my thoughts, art, poems, and anything else that spews out of my brain. Anyway, thanks for reading along, and I hope you enjoy the ride!
Colon close parenthesis,
- Emily
Welcome to my blog :)
My name is Emily and I'm 18 years old attending an art school in Grand Rapids, MI. I work as a camp counselor over the summer, which is close to the best job ever. I don't know much about blogging, so expect a lot of scattered mess. I mostly just want to keep up a constant website with my thoughts, art, poems, and anything else that spews out of my brain. Anyway, thanks for reading along, and I hope you enjoy the ride!
Colon close parenthesis,
- Emily
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